Anger Management

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverb 15:1

The trickiest of all human emotions, anger can be normal and healthy. Sometimes! It depends on its use. It can help us respond in threatening situations, fuel our motivation for achievement or dealing with injustice, or it can bankrupt us in a moment, leaving us empty and devastated.

So how do we manage such a tricky emotion? How do we use it for good and avoid the pitfalls?

In our realm as leaders, our environment demands an atmosphere of trust and collaboration. Anger management is crucial to longevity, productivity as well as for general health and happiness. It is highly appropriate that we learn to manage it well. Consider the following: A positive anger response helps us to react quickly and decisively to solve problems, achieve goals, and intensely focus on objectives. A negative anger response can ruin our career, damage relationships, harm our reputation and alienate us from our peers. During a negative anger response we must learn to recognize the signs that indicate a loss of control. Diffusing negative anger is never easy, but there are some concrete steps that help make it possible.

Duke University’s Redford Williams, MD, along with his wife Virginia, authored the best-selling book Anger Kills. They recommend creating a “Hostility Log” as we begin to responsibly handle our anger. The idea is that when we understand what triggers us and causes us to get angry, we are more capable of developing strategies to avoid the triggers.

Let's look at some other positive steps.

Acknowledge That You Have a Problem - If you do have a problem, those around you see it clearly. Remember, that you will never be able to fix that which you refuse to see. A leader positively acknowledges his or her deficiencies so that they may be dealt with.

Use Your Support Network - Notice I said to use your support network and not find one. You have one already, those who love you are your best possible support. Furthermore, there are many professional avenues you can take, including your pastor or mentor. All of these services are eager to help, especially your family.

Interrupt the Anger Cycle – Pause, think, breath (deeply), tell yourself you can handle this situation, and stop the negative thoughts… Relax! This may seem ridiculous but it is not. Verbalizing your ability to handle the situation transfers what may otherwise be only a thought to a tangible, actionable affirmation.

Be Objective – Use empathy to put yourself in the shoes of the other party. Remember that everyone makes mistakes and that no one is perfect, including you. Also remember that those mistakes serve to teach us how to be better people.

Find Humor in the Situation – Laugh at yourself. Think about how ridiculously you were about to act. Be proud of your ability to avoid looking foolish. Not everything in life should be taken seriously. Think about that YouTube video, the guy in the office who goes ballistic and trashes the place. It made you laugh, but at the same time you thought to yourself; “How pathetic!”

Build Trust – When we trust another we do not assume they have malicious intent in their actions toward us. By being trustworthy we release others to trust us in like manner. Angry people tend to be cynical so work on trust. If you think they are all out to get you, you will not be equipped to deal with integrity toward them.

Listen – In angry confrontations, or when someone has annoyed us, we tend to speak and not listen. We prepare our verbal comeback to their offensive statement. This often leads to a failure to actually hear what is being said, and to jump to destructive conclusions. Then, we lash out based on our faulty conclusions and escalate the situation. A wise individual listens!

Be Assertive – Assertiveness is not aggression. Assertiveness is preemptive. An assertive person will clearly define their expectations and boundaries. This empowers others to know where they may or may not go with you in their conversation or actions. The defining of personal boundaries does wonders in the realm of interpersonal success.

Forgive – Forgiveness is an amazing way to release hostility. One who forgives others shortcomings is one who brings peace, not only to others, but also to self.

Even if your anger is not to the point of being a problem, these steps are vital practices in relieving stress and avoiding the path that leads to anger issues. Know them, understand them, and if you do not need them, perhaps you can help another who does.

Coffee Lids

Adjacent to American Airlines terminal 44 at Los Angeles International Airport is a Burger King. Sequestered in the corner of that restaurant is a small stainless steel shelf with an even less obvious label affixed upon it. It reads Coffee Lids. I am writing this - seated no more than 100 feet from that very label - and I am thinking about strategic process.

If you are reading this you are of the small percentage of people who care, people who are driven to refine the less than efficient processes in their lives. You are a leader. Most however are not. Most do as they are told and in fact, are somewhat content to exist and live there. You are not. You want to make a difference. You understand that things can be improved. You abide by principles of excellence and streamlining of process.

Let me tell you about Bob. The first fact you need to know about Bob is that Bob is not his real name. I am watching Bob right now. Early 50's, probably a great father, a hard worker and dedicated to the task that provides for his family. Bob works right there, next to terminal 44 at the Burger King. I know he is a hard working man because I am observing him as I write. Besides, it's just after five in the morning and only Bob knows what time he had to get up this morning to be here on time. Though I only just rubbed shoulders with him ten minutes ago, I like Bob... Now back to you.

You understand that the tasks of the day can be draining. You engage in the tactical events of the day without complaint because your eyes are on the process and you are always looking for strategic opportunities to better the system. You realized that the tactical responses yesterday have a common thread with ones that you performed last week and that those correspond to what you will be doing this afternoon. Deep in your mind you are already thinking about the commonalities of the tasks and how they can be combined into a streamlined effort to produce a better, simplified, result. You see, that's what you do! You streamline process by finding simple solutions to common problems. You identify a bottleneck or repetitive tasks and you streamline them by revising the process. And it works.

So, let me tell you how I rubbed shoulders with Bob. To properly convey this, I need to give you the layout of our infamous Burger King, it's drink station and the little tiny label marked Coffee Lids. You see, there are actually two drink stations about 10 feet apart there at terminal 44. Both stations serve customers with a soda machine and a coffee dispenser. Both have both! However, the soda cup lids are on the stainless steel shelf over the leftmost drink station, and the coffee lids are over the right. So, regardless of which station you get coffee at, you have to force your way in to a crowded corner of the restaurant to get your lid. The process is broken. While I am trying to get to my lids, I am swimming upstream against the flow of people who just filled their sodas and are coming my way to get their soda lids. I ask myself, how many years has this bottleneck been here and why can I see it so quickly and no one in all these years, not even management, has noticed. Then I realize, it's the label: "Coffee Lids." This mayhem has been created by a misaligned attempt at organization. However, I still have not met Bob.

So here you sit. Surrounded by process. Have you asked yourself what bottlenecks you live in? Just look for the confusion. You'll see it. Then look deeper, into the bottleneck. If you cannot see it, ask someone in your organization. Ask them about those things that, to them, do not make sense. Bring in an outside observer to see what you don't see. Unlike Bob and his managers, there are those who are gifted to see logistical problems and less than ideal systems. Strive to be such a person. Identify and remove the misaligned attempts at organization. Remove the labels.

Ok, so I just met Bob. I pushed and shoved my way to the coffee lids. I grabbed one of the lids and placed it on my cup, but before leaving, I grabbed a handful and carried them to the stainless steel shelf above the leftmost drink station, the one without the label. For one (and only one) millisecond the dysfunctional process of cup lid gathering was solved. The masses, as if they were a school of fish, naturally flowed under my power in directions that for the first time in perhaps years made sense. The sky opened, rose petals fell at my feet and a choir of angels sang the hallelujah chorus (though I was the only one who could hear it). I smiled. I had changed my world. I was responsible for happier people, less missed flights, pleasant flight attendants and passengers. In that moment, I was the center of my universe! Then, over my bumped shoulder (this is where Bob and I are acquainted), I see Bob pick up my stack of coffee lids and return them to the place of origin. Back to where they were supposed to be. Back above the label! Good ol' Bob was doing what he knew to do, and in his hard working diligence destroyed the process. Back to square one.

The point? Look past the label! See beyond the way things are "supposed" to be...

Great!!! I got so inspired by this whole thing my coffee is now cold. Here I go, back into the mayhem... Back to meet Bob.

Communication is Key

Communication is Key. Communication is Key. Communication is Key. Communication is Key. Communication is Key. Communication is Key.

Before you jump to any conclusions, let me say that I did not stutter, nor was my message repeated for emphasis. I was not playing the message on vinyl which resulted in a Milli Vanilli moment. And no, I do not have a problem with my memory. In fact, while it may appear that I am being repetitive, I fear that I may not have adequately conveyed my message. In reality I have only said it once! Perhaps less.

Once by Phone.

Once by Email.

Once by Letter.

Once by Txt Msg.

Once by Facebook.

Once by Twitter.

And yes, it was inadequate. I just realized that I forgot my “Once by Mouth.” Oh the difficulties with “better” communication.

While we are at it, what else can we add: MySpace (so over it), LinkedIn, Foursquare, Forum Post, Blog. VBlog, Skype, Oovoo, Podcast, Vodcasts, YouTube, Web Site, Google Voice, Yahoo Groups, and my personal favorite… Smoke Signal!

Granted, I left out 16,000 other methods but this piece needs to be under five hundred words.

What are we to do?

One thing we know for sure. As organizational leaders, we cannot force those we lead to come to our well, we must reach out and drink from theirs. I find it ironic that reaching out to them, and understanding their preferred communication method, starts with the one method we left out: Once by Mouth. We have adopted all the latest methods for communication and yet our communication is worst than it has ever been. Just because you adopt a method does not mean your communication will improve. Start with the conversation. Find out how those you lead are communicating and work those methods into your communication strategy. It’s all about information. It always is.

You want the One Grand Solution? Sorry, this piece will be a let down because there is no One Grand Solution. Besides, great leaders never adopt a solution, they design one that meets their current reality. Let me give you one simple word to help you begin designing yours; BEEP!

Think about the beep. The beep is what rules the day in modern society. The beep is what stops the train of thought, interrupts the meeting, starts people down another road, and wakes people from their dreams. (Oh that’s good! The beep wakes people from their dreams… WOW! I’m need to write another piece on the BEEP and how it’s killing creative strategic thought…) I regress…

You need to be the beep! The beep is never ignored!

The Old Man and the Sea

You may or may not know this, but I am a borderline workaholic (some may say there is no border to be seen). I am rarely to bed before midnight and I am always up early to start the day. After a full day of work, I spend the evening with my family, and then once everyone has gone to bed it is back to work. The only thing I let interrupt this evening work time is study or a good book. I read many books, and from time to time I will share something about them with you. I love the classics.

This week’s book was Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea. It is a tale of… you guessed it… an old man… and the sea. Really, it is a book about perseverance and struggle. You see, the old man, though his history was one of fishing fame, was ridiculed in his Cuban town because he had not caught in 84 days. He was considered unlucky. He didn’t care, catching fish was all he knew and he used to be the best at it.

How long has it been since you caught a fish?

He was determined, and believed that he would catch the biggest fish ever. HE DID. The fish he catches, he catches with great struggle and pain. In fact the struggle nearly kills him. It drags him to sea for several days of sleepless battle, taking his boat into uncharted waters. He watches as the island of Cuba disappears from view and he fears he shall never return. But, it is acceptable that he should die as long as he catches the fish. He respected the fish, and in that respect desired to kill it.

“The fish is my friend too,” he said aloud. “I have never seen or heard of such a fish. But I must kill him.” Then he was sorry for the great fish that (like him) had nothing to eat and his determination to kill him never relaxed in his sorrow for him. “How many people will he feed, he thought”

If you do not see what I see in this paragraph, allow me to comment. If we are to be fishers of men then we must struggle to do so. We may go 84 days without leading another to Christ (I hope not). But, we must keep looking for the big fish. We can catch numerous small ones, and that is good. However, the fish that comes with struggle, although we may be dragged beyond what is familiar and comfortable, when landed has the potential to feed many. We should even be willing to lay down our lives for it. It may in fact mean that we need to ruin their life as well. What I mean is that their life will have to change.

"Then he was sorry for the great fish that had nothing to eat and his determination to kill him never relaxed in his sorrow for him."

We all know people, that if we bring them to Jesus, their lives will necessarily change. Certain comforts must go. We can feel sorry for them, but knowing that a life with Jesus is the priority, we determine to allow Jesus to redirect their lives. We kill their “comfortable life” so that they and others will live. It is worth it! There really is no choice in it!

Leadership Soapbox

Where are the standouts, the ones whose countenance drips with the overflowing presence of the living God? Our leaders have failed us. They have told us that an acceptance of Christ—and no more—is sufficient. They have lied. Where are the leaders, the ones who have not compromised their faith to build an organization? The fact is, the church lives in a state of compromise. Whether it be the fear of man, apathy, or a failure to internally reconcile a depraved life with a spirit that understands the requirements of the Holy, our lives fail to appeal to those who have no hope. We have placed more than one foot in the world. In his book The Christian Ministry with an Inquiry Into the Causes of its Inefficiency, Rev. Charles Bridges illustrates this very point.

It is but too plain, that we have lost that distinction of “Servant of Christ,” which it would have been our honor to have preserved; that our Christian prudence has degenerated into worldly cowardice; and that our conversation with the world has been regulated by the fear of man, fleshly indulgence, and practical unbelief of the most solemn warnings of the gospel.

And again.

We should endeavor to make religion agreeable; but not to make ourselves agreeable by leading our company to forget religion. We should ‘every one of us, please his neighbor for his good;’ but not so ‘please men,’ as to fail in the character of ‘Servants of Christ.'

Leaders who find themselves in a situation where change is needed are left powerless by many churches to initiate the change. The church has become too comfortable in their “method” of worship and if one seeks to change it, they will die upon the sacred alter of complacency. At this point, the weaker leader will simply give up, another disillusioned leader, beaten into submission by fear. Things really must change. It starts with education.

Today, the average church member—pardon the generalization—is either too involved (locked into their own comfortable method) or too removed from the process of healthy church life. Those that are too involved rule the roost, viewing a pastor as an employee and not a called man of God. Those on the other end of the spectrum are simply anonymous Christians, punching in and punching out, doing their “hours” that qualify them at the entrance gate to an eternal “E-Ticket” ride. Meanwhile, the middle—the ones who understand that an abiding relationship with Father and the evangelistic sharing of His grace is paramount—is shrinking. Personal revival and corporate church repentance and growth are rare today. We have grown far too selfish. If you mention to the first group that the method to reach others must change, the leader will face formidable obstacles and may even lose his “job.” To the later, if you start changing things around, they will simply move on, not understanding what it means to be called to a body of believers. What is the answer?

The answer lies in a deeply relational, educating of the masses to understand the heart of God. Just as we see God’s method changing over time, so must we change. Even the disciples and the writers of the gospel changed their methodology for their given audience. Think of how Matthew’s appeal to the Jews takes a very different form that Luke’s appeal to the Gentiles. As leaders, we must specifically tailor everything we do for our personal context. If I had one wish for young leaders, it would be that they throw away every “church growth” book and discover what—precisely—Father wants them to do. That leader must understand that he was hand chosen for the work God has prepared for him to do, and only he can do it. He has an obligation to seek the will of God until he finds it. To jump early, or to lead according to the dictates or expectations of man is sinful. That ministry will not last. Nor will such a ministry result in the level of praise to the Son that Father desires for it to give. We must be very calculated and careful in our attempts to lead the church. The leading is at Father’s direction and not by the dictates of the masses.

Each of us will find ourselves in this piece, however, we must look carefully at who we think that we are. The pastor who reads this and insists; “Yeah, those church members are strangling me in every attempt to lead the church” must first ask himself if has truly sought the Lord’s direction in where he is leading. That the direction in which he seeks to lead his congregation has been intimately, directionally spelled out by Father. Likewise, the congregant who says; “My pastor is changing everything. It’s arbitrary and destructive and he needs to go” must tread lightly as he plays with the call of a man of God. Many a struggle with Godly leaders is not a human struggle at all, but a revolt against the very will of God at the calling of that man to lead. Tread lightly. The beginning of an answer to all of these struggles is the prayerful, patient seeking of Father’s specific will and direction for the cultural context in which he has placed all parties. Until that primary foundation is laid, nothing fruitful can be constructed. The leader in today’s church does not have an easy road ahead. It is one of great struggle, but also of great reward.

John Maxwell states the following in his book, Developing the Leader within You.

Leaders can never take their people farther than they have traveled. Like leader, like people … God’s gift to the leader is his potential. His gift back to God is what he does with that potential.

Make New Mistakes

Dr. Hermann Hauser, in a lecture at the Cambridge Center for Entrepreneurial Studies, spoke of the four big mistakes faced by the entrepreneur of today.

Time

“Everybody underestimates the time that a project takes. I was first introduced to the Einsteinian problem of time dilation early on in my physics career. The people in the workshop gave me a good rule of thumb, they said; ‘If you think something takes x amount of time, say half a year or so, multiply it by Pi.’ It usually takes just over three times as long as you think.”

Money

“Closely correlated with the time aspect is that of money. It always takes more money than expected.”

Market Size

“Over estimation of the market size is an enormous problem. Especially when it comes to over-enthusiastic young people who can see how wonderfully attractive this new product is... but nobody else does. This market size issue is a key problem...”

People Issues

“It is surprising how easily people fall out with each other, so watch out for that as well. It is a common mistake.”

“My conclusion is this, mistakes are going to happen all the time. Learn from the old ones and try not to repeat them. Try to make new mistakes. If you are not making new ones you are not trying too hard. Also, mistakes come in all guises. There is a very large number of different mistakes, although some are more common than others. Experience does actually help, so listening to some of us does pay off. You should at least listen. You don’t necessarily need to implement what we suggest, but listen, because we’ve come across most mistakes in our careers. Last but not least, learn the basics. People often ask me, ‘Aren’t entrepreneurs born, you can’t train them so you shouldn’t even try.’ Well, I always say, perhaps you cannot make a tone deaf person a concert pianist, but giving them a piano sure helps.”

Fail Fast

I cannot remember the location, but I remember the story like it was yesterday. A man and his son facing that moment where the son’s right of passage meant an extreme hiking trip with his father. Big hopes and excitement confronted them both. At one point, during the hike, the son stumbled from the path and began to stumble down an incline littered with shale. Trying to right himself, the boy began to run faster and faster down hill until he was out of control. His father, knowing that at the bottom of that shale was a drop-off of over one hundred feet, began to give instruction. The boy could not see it nor was he aware of the danger. The father began to scream at the top of his lungs, “Fall Down!” He even extended his arms and legs to instruct the boy in a futile attempt to force the child’s action. “Fall Down! Spread your legs out and fall! NOW! Do it!” Doubtless, all the boy was thinking about is how much pain it meant to fall, and he continued to try to gain his balance. To the father’s horror, the son plummeted to his death.

I remember telling my children that story to reinforce a truth that I wanted them to learn. That is, that they must trust my word and do as I say immediately. There will be times when I know better, even if it hurts.

What a fabulous (although unfortunate) lesson for us as leaders. Failure is never what we intend. However, if we are going to fail, we really need to fail fast. Prolonging your fall can lead to death. By failing fast, you may be battered and bruised when it is all said and done, but at least you are alive to rebuild.

Reality Check

Some of you are failing! Is it you? If it is, you have choices. If you are in business, call your superior and be honest. If you are a pastor, call your DoM or other leader who you see as a value to you. If you are a DoM, call the Associational Strategies Team at NAMB and ask for a coach. If you can, attend a learning lab, conference, or find a mentor. There are many of us who care. We want to help.

Final Note

Every organizational leader desires to lead transformational change. If that’s you, you will fail in some of your many endeavors. Fail fast. Seek the Father’s guidance, pick yourself up, and pour your energies into the idea that seems to be gaining ground. Remember to always measure and assess your failures. If you can, failing fast will make you stronger.